I’m Tired Of Being Different

Recently my husband and I were sitting at our kitchen bar talking about the life that we desired. Out of frustration I said to him, “I’m tired of being different. I just want to be normal.”

I don’t know if you can relate to those sentiments, but I’ve been struggling with the weight and self-inflicted pressure that comes with knowing what I am called to do. When God begins to speak to you, show you the future, and ask you to do things in faith, it can sometimes make you feel different.

You may be thinking, What’s wrong with being different? In the context of God using you, nothing, it’s great. But for me, sometimes being different is an uncomfortable feeling that has haunted me since I was a little girl.

I’ve always felt different, and a lot of times it wasn’t for reasons that I was proud of. I was born into a family of six girls (I’m #5). I struggled a lot growing up not feeling pretty enough or skinny enough. You can read all about that in my blog The Ugly Duckling. I hated feeling different in this way, I didn’t want to be the “thick” sister, I didn’t want attention on me for being different from the rest of my siblings.

Not only did I feel awkward about having a different physical appearance than my sisters, I’m also the only one who can’t sing. They all can sing, except for me. It took me into my late teenage years for me to even begin to discover what my gifts and talents were. Even though I was beginning to see how God wanted to uniquely use me one day, for a long time I still felt like I just didn’t fit in with my own family.

Not only did I feel different at home, but throughout most of my life I felt the same way in school. Growing up in New Jersey I was always in advanced classes since elementary school. Although it was great that I was a smart kid, a lot of times I felt awkward in my adolescent years. As early as I can remember there were all white kids in those advanced classes, and only two black kids, my friend Josh and me. I had friends and got along well with everyone, but every so often something would come up like picture day where the company who took our school pictures gave everyone a mini comb, and as the black girl with braids I couldn’t use it and was reminded how different I was than all of my classmates.

What made matters worse, was outside of class when I hung out with kids of my own race, I didn’t fit in with them either. A lot of times they looked at me as “too white” because I was in advanced classes, didn’t live where most of them lived, and spoke differently than them. It wasn’t until I moved to Delaware going into high school that I had classmates who were similar to me. Even then, people found a way to point out differences whether it was because of where I lived, how I spoke, or even being disliked by my basketball teammates because I was “too girly.” I always felt like there was some kind of spotlight on me for not being like the majority.

When I got to college things were great because I went to a HBCU (Historically Black College University) and it’s a melting pot of black people who come from all kinds of diverse backgrounds and subcultures. So it wasn’t hard to find my group of friends I felt comfortable with. We were all so different from one another and everyone accepted the differences.

Everything was great until junior year when I became serious about God again. Due to not wanting to find myself not fitting in again, I kind of kept the transformation God was taking me through private from my friends all the way through graduation. They knew I was the saved Christian girl in the group, but they also knew of me as the drinking, twerking, sneaky-links having girl too. That last year and a half of college I got serious about God behind closed doors and was still doing my same-ole routine in public. I honestly didn’t feel comfortable showing the “new me” until I graduated and moved to Charlotte, NC for my first job and started a new life. I wasn’t ready to be committed to being different again.

Once I graduated college, became a real adult, and tried to pursue my purpose I felt so different from my college friends, any peers I met, and even other Christians. Once I moved away I became so focused on growing in God and being obedient to whatever He told me was next, I had to do things that most people I knew weren’t doing. Instead of going to clubs or day parties on the weekend I was helping setup for services at my church, instead of meeting new guys and going out on dates I was spending time alone and preparing for marriage, and instead of following any trends I was starting my ministry, Church Girlz.

So that leads me to this conversation that I previously mentioned with my husband when I told him that I was tired of being different, and wanted to be normal. Now, in my late twenties I find myself married, living in Alabama because this is where God told my husband and I to stay for now, focused on becoming who God has purposed for us to be and do what He has called us to do; yet, instead I was desiring to be like a lot of our peers who are focused on careers and having fun. Not saying that we don’t have career goals and that we don’t have fun, but those things are submitted to God where we have made a decision to put our calling over our careers and where we have committed to living our lives to advance the kingdom of God and doing what God asks of us instead of moving to our dream city and focused on advancing ourselves.

The discomfort that comes when my husband and I are meeting new people and they ask us “What made you guys stay in Mobile, AL?” And we smile and just say “work.” Knowing that we are really thinking Well God planted us here and He showed us a vision for how He wants to use us to impact this city and the vision He showed us seems so big and a bit unrealistic, but we believe by faith that God will make it happen, even though we prefer to move to Charlotte or Houston we are being obedient to God by staying here.

Or when people ask me what I do and when I tell them that I am a Christian Life Coach and have a ministry called Church Girlz, they look at me like I have five heads and act like they have to put on their best behavior.

In those moments, I feel different, and it reminds me of all of those seasons throughout my whole life that I struggled with being different from everyone else.

So that day when talking to my husband about our goals, dreams and desires, I just wanted to feel normal and be able to give normal answers to those questions. I just wanted to feel like the normal young couple who had their life planned out, with normal career goals and a normal life. I didn’t want to be the couple who doesn’t make decisions without seeking God first, or the couple who lives in an undesirable city because we are serving the plans of God, or the couple who desires to impact people through Jesus more than we desire to reach societies standards of success.

Later that night the Holy Spirit brought those words back to my mind. He questioned me as to why I would ever say that I was tired of being different and wanted to be normal.

I went on to tell him why I said what I said, and as I was speaking a strong conviction began to penetrate my heart. I immediately repented because I knew I was wrong and it was very immature to say what I said.

In that moment the Lord began to remind me that I was never created to be normal and He reminded me of a scripture that says:

But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light; [1 Peter 2:9]

In that moment the Holy Spirit reminded me that I was made to be different on purpose, in fact that I was peculiar, which means different from the usual or normal. God has already marked me as different from the normal a long time ago, and my whole life I have fought against that. I found myself 28 years-old resenting the fact that I am different, the same way I did when I was 10 years-old.

I had to ask God for forgiveness, renounce the words that I spoke and begin to turn my heart from desiring to be someone who God didn’t call me to be.

I say all of this to say that if you are struggling with being different, remember that God has called you and placed His hand on you, therefore it is impossible for you to be normal. You are peculiar, which also means special. If people like you and I were just like everyone else, we wouldn’t be able to be as impactful to people and to the kingdom of God as we are and as we will continue to be.

I realized that my whole life was preparing me for who God has called me to be and what He’d call me to do. God used all of the seasons throughout my life when I felt different from the masses so that when He told me how He wanted to use me in a way that would require me to live my life differently than most people, I wouldn’t be afraid to say yes to His call because I had already recognized that I was created to be different.