Special Feature: The Ugly Duckling

As women there are times in our life where we may feel a bit insecure in our looks. There are times when we may not feel pretty enough, skinny enough, curvy enough, or hair might not be long enough. A lot of times these insecurities began as a little girl for a ton of different reasons. Unfortunately, if you never address it and allow God to change your perspective, that small insecurity can become the root that sprouts very large issues that takes dominion over your life.

This is no different for me. Like many young girls, I used to feel like I wasn't pretty enough. Why? Let me set the stage for you.

I am the fifth child of a family with six girls. My older four sisters are 10 to 14 years older than me, and I have a sister who's only one year younger. All of my life people told me how blessed I was to have so many sisters and wish that they could be in my family. I totally agree with them. I am blessed to be in such a unique family, but everyone wouldn't be able to handle being apart of this family. There are people who struggle with having a sister or two to be 'compared' to, imagine having five!

Don't get me wrong my parents never compared us and as sisters we never compared ourselves negatively. On the other hand, outsiders compared us without even realizing they were.

I remember being about 10 years-old and kids at school would call my younger sister "the pretty one". Or they would see my older sisters and gawk at their beauty. I often wondered, why doesn't anyone say that about me? Did it hurt my feelings? Of course! But as I got older I just told myself, They're just kids. They don't know anything. Half of them are ugly themselves.

Now, when adults would do it, it would be a hit below the belt. They would do things like meet us for the first time and go on and on about how cute my younger sister was followed by "Oh they're both pretty" or "this one is adorable too." I was young, not stupid.

As I got older the comparison changed. I was a 10 pound baby! By the age of two all of that chunkiness went to my thighs and my butt. So as I matriculated through my childhood, the conversation would always be that my shape was like a grown woman. I know people meant no harm by it, but as a child I didn't understand what it meant to be thick. People often talked about my big butt and solid thighs, coupled with how skinny my five sisters were. I found myself feeling like the outcast in the family. The 'Ugly Duckling' to be more exact. I was thinking, first I was ugly and now I'm not skinny enough.

Throughout the years I tucked those feelings under the bed because we are not allowed to have a pity party about anything in the Ford household. It also made it easier to ignore those feelings because I was good at almost everything I did. I stayed on the Honor Roll with honors classes from third to twelfth grade, I was good at basketball and track, and as I got older I became a leader amongst my peers. So life seems great! Who cares about what people said when I was a kid, look at me now! Unfortunately, that's not always enough.

When I was about 14 years-old I started wearing a lot of short and tight clothes. It's not a huge deal, because at some point a lot of teenage girls try to get away with belly shirts and booty shorts. My older sisters did, so my dad was used to it. But what my dad wasn't used to is a 14 year-old daughter who has a body like she's 21, which came with some issues. So what my sister could get away with wearing, I could't because it looked very provocative on me. Don't get me wrong, my parents didn't have a problem with us wearing anything short and being cute. They never made us be conservative and wear long skirts with our pearls. I was just a different case, and pushed my limit in my teenage years. I knew I had a nice body so I wore something short and tight any chance I could get. My dad and I bumped heads many times because of that, but it got to the point where I couldn't help it. It was like a drug! My mom would take some of my little belly shirts and throw them out because she was tired of telling me to change or pull my shirt down. I wasn't being fresh with boys or anything, I just liked wearing little clothes.

Lets fast forward to 17 years-old where I had a boyfriend. He loved Jesus and as a result I start getting serious about God too. So one day he asked me,

"Why do you always wear clothes to show off your body? I don't like it. I don't want my girlfriend to dress like that.”

I had no response. I was embarrassed, confused, and lost. I didn't know how to wear 'appropriate' clothing and actually like it. I wanted to be mad at him, but instead I went to God.

That night in my daily study time with God I asked him why I enjoy showing off my body. I told Him I didn't want to

anymore, but it's hard to stop. That night He reminded me of those insecure feelings that I had tucked under the bed so many years ago. He showed me that as a child my sister got all of the attention for being pretty, while I received attention for my body. Somewhere in my mind I allowed the enemy to tell me that's the only way people will notice me, so I made sure they noticed. I felt so dumb. It was so hard to face the truth, and I remember crying in my bedroom asking God to change me.

That's when I began practicing asking the Lord to help me pick out my outfits. I allowed the Lord to show me that I was beautiful, even if others don't think so. Now, I'm okay with someone thinking I'm not cute. I'm content with a guy thinking my sister is prettier than me. I'm cool with the fact that all of my sisters are slim and I'm thick. I don't get self conscious when someone comments on my butt. It didn't happen overnight, but I had to endure the process.

I had to read the bible and find out why God says I'm beautiful. I wrote out all of the things God says I am and taped them on my bathroom mirror and said it everyday while looking at my reflection. At first, I didn't believe it and had a hard time keeping eye contact with myself as I called myself beautiful, loving, joyful, caring, a leader, etc.

It's crazy how we can grow up in a word church, a great family with both parents, and still don't believe everything that the pastor, church leaders, and parents call us to be.

Alongside the internal transformation that's taking place, there's nothing wrong with having an external transformation. If you want longer hair learn how to grow it out or invest in extensions. If you want to enhance your facial features, learn how to put on makeup that's good for your face. If you're overweight, change your diet and exercise. I currently want to lose some weight, and I will. But I'm not going to let the fact that I'm a few pounds more than I'd like to be define me or make me feel insecure.

There are times when the enemy tried to tell me I'm fat and remind me of how I used to feel like the Ugly Duckling. In return I tell him to shut up and then I remember who God says I am. We should never obsess over our outward beauty and neglect our inward beauty. We will never be content.

If you want to change something about yourself, change it. Just don't do it as a reason to cover your insecurity, because it won't work. Address the issue, allow God to work in that area, and then make those external changes if you still want to.

I say all this to say, we often times have insecurities and they're hidden in the form of actions or words. You may think that you're fine until someone calls you out on your mess or someone says/do something to trigger that insecurity. Allow God to pull all of that nasty mess out of your heart. Make a decision to go on that journey of healing and restoration. For some, you may have to get some counseling alongside the help of the Holy Spirit. Do it! You'll be at peace and God needs to get the junk out of you so you can advance His kingdom. This may be the very thing you need to do to give you the confidence to start that business, begin your ministry, or go back to school. This could be the very testimony God uses to win souls!

Tonight take some time out to talk to God and ask Him to pull out those feelings you've tucked under your bed, and begin your process!

Dear God,

I have some insecurities in my life that I need to let go of. I don't feel beautiful and confident about fill in the blank. I know it's not your will for me to feel insecure about this because my confidence should be in you like you said in Proverbs 3:26. I also know that you call me beautiful in 1 Peter 3:4 and Proverbs 3:15. I ask you to expose my insecurities and pull out those feelings that I have tucked under the bed so long ago. Through Jesus I know that I can forgive, be healed, and restored for all of the years where I have been insecure. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross so that I can be set free from all of my insecurities. I thank you Lord that I am now set free! I am ready to endure this process and I fully trust you. I believe that this is a step that will put me into position so that the purpose you have for me can flourish like in Romans 8:28. Thank you. I love you so much! In Jesus name, Amen.

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