I AM TIRED (A Black Christian Woman in America)

Racial tensions have been high in this nation because black people continue to die due to the injustices of our country’s systems. People have been posting, people have been marching, and people have been rioting day after day.

As a black woman in America I go through a plethora of emotions. Some days I’m sad, other days I’m angry, but most of the time I’m tired.

Throughout the last few years, I’ve been purposeful about using my voice in different settings to fight racism. I learned about and celebrated my culture and history while attending an HBCU (Historically Black College and University), but upon graduating and entering the real world it became rather difficult. Nevertheless, I tried my best to exercise what I learned in those four life-changing years.

I spoke up about prejudices and racism while at the workplace. I spoke up about the lack of diversity inclusion in a predominantly white church. I spoke up about a lack of black education within my family. And I tried to graciously educate any white misinformed colleagues, friends, and associates who had an ear to hear.

Now that this topic has finally began to spread to the masses, I found myself not having much to say at the moment. Why? Because I have been carrying this burden with very few around me willing to take some of the load for the last few years, and now I’ve become tired.

I am tired of dealing with the realities of being a black woman in a country that doesn’t respect me, protect me, or empathize with me. I am tired of driving in my car and getting nervous when I see a cop drive beside me. I am tired of going to a job where there are little to no people who look like me. I am tired of clenching my teeth at the micro-aggressions that I perceive from my white counterparts. I am tired of going on social media and seeing people who couldn't last a day in my black shoes say that “All Live Matters.” But most of all, I am tired of carrying the justified feelings that I have as a black woman, yet battle with the call as a Christ-follower to keep a clean and pure heart.

I am tired because I am not only a black woman in America, but I am a black Christian woman in America. As a follower of Jesus-Christ, I have a responsibility to not only speak up about my blackness, but to also speak up about my savior. That is a difficult task when you want to be like Christ, as well as remain angry at the people who try to keep you oppressed.

Don’t get me wrong, Jesus was, is, and will always stand for justice. You cannot come to know the full gospel without understanding God’s demand for justice. But due to the racial history in this country and in my bloodline, it makes it very hard to seek justice from a system that was built without me in mind, while still trying to remain Christ-like.

I battle with the things that bring me comfort as a black woman, and the things that bring discomfort as a Christian. I battle with feeling like I can’t trust most (if not almost all) white people, but then the Holy Spirit reminds me “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” (Luke 6:31)

I battle with wanting to disrespectfully rebuttal the racist comments on Instagram, but then I’m reminded to “Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil.” (2 Timothy 2:23-24)

I battle with wanting to curse the leaders of this nation whose platform represents the systemic racism I’ve experienced since I was a little girl. But once again I am convicted that we are commanded to, “Pray for kings and all others who are in power over us so we might live quiet God-like lives in peace. It is good when you pray like this. It pleases God Who is the One Who saves. He wants all people to be saved from the punishment of sin. He wants them to come to know the truth.” (1 Timothy 2:1-4)

Lastly, I battle with wanting to give into hopelessness, but it’s so engrained in me to love like Christ that I cannot forget, “It (love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...” (1 Corinthians 13:7)

Because I am a true follower of Christ, every human thought that rises up in me, is confronted with the word of truth that has been instilled in me. It’s usually inconvenient when the voice of God interrupts the justified feelings that I have, resulting in an internal battle between what I want to do as a black woman and what I’m convicted to do as a Christian woman. So the Lord challenged me to no longer look at the internal conflict as a black Christian woman in America as a battle, but as a blessing. Because as a black woman I am tired, but as a black Christian woman I know where to find rest.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 28:30)