Daddy, Am I Good Enough?

Jasmine Ford Simmons
Jan 22, 2018
6 min read

Updated: Jan 11, 2023

It is said that a girl’s father is the first man that she loves. Love is supposed to be a refuge that cultivates the necessary ingredients for one to fully love herself, others, and a future mate. But for some, a father is the first man that ever hurts, disappoints, or fails her. Some people’s fathers may be absent, some fathers are good but imperfect, and some people have fathers who are present but don't give them the type of love they long for.

The infamous Jacob, from the Bible, had a father who was very present and active in his life, but Jacob didn't feel the love and approval from his father, Issac, that every child wants to experience. Issac was a great man, who was called by God to be the first descendant that fulfilled the promise and established the covenant that God made to his father, Abraham. Issac and his wife, Rebekah had two sons, Jacob and Esau. Issac favored Esau over Jacob because he was a skillful hunter, while Jacob spent his time indoors doing house work. It’s safe to say that the favorable treatment Issac gave to Esau made Jacob long for the approval of his father.

There are many of us who felt like Jacob at some point in our lives and longed for the approval of our fathers. When I was a teenager, my father and I had a conversation that left him very angry and disappointed in me. He did not speak to me for days. Some may feel that this is not a big deal, but for me, it was tragic! As my love language is quality time and words of affirmation, and when I didn't receive them from my dad during those few days was painful for me. My dad and I always talked whether it was riding in the car, eating at the dinner table, or shooting hoops preparing for the upcoming season. I understood why he was upset, but I rather had gotten yelled at instead of ignored.

Every single one of us wanted our father’s approval at some point or another, and when we didn't receive it, it caused us to feel angry, sad, or confused. But I have learned that when those emotions arise we have to purposely kick those emotions out, because when we brew on those thoughts we then open the door for the enemy to come into our lives and cause chaos.

Jacob allowed anger, bitterness, and jealousy to take residence in his heart and it eventually caused him to act on it. First, he with-held food from his brother, Esau, until he agreed to sell Jacob his birthright. Years later, Jacob deceived his father, Issac, by pretending to be Esau and stealing his brother’s blessing as well.

We can all read this story and know that it’s not fair for Jacob to take out his frustration on his brother, when it was his father who had offended him. But how many of us have subconsciously allowed the actions of our fathers to shape our perspective, personalities, thinking, and self-esteem? At some point in our lives, we begin to mirror or act out the inverse of the experiences we had with our fathers toward other people.

As I got older, I began to see a pattern in my relationships with my boyfriends. Towards the end of my relationships, something would happen that would cause my boyfriend at the time to be upset with me. The current boyfriend would not talk to me for a day or two at a time, leaving me to relinquish my control by trying to do anything to get him to speak to me. It ranged from calling him repeatedly, crying, or driving to go see him. I noticed this pattern after about 3 boyfriends and wondered why is this happening to me? Why do I respond that way, as if I am desperate? Am I insecure, or have an extremely low self-esteem? Not at all.

One thing we must realize is that the enemy studies us and when he identifies our insecurity or vulnerabilities, he sends people and/or situations our way that will constantly poke that area. He wants that thing in our lives to steal, kill, or destroy us. Most of my relationships came to a point where my boyfriend would ignore me, and in those moments my insecurity would rise to the top causing me to revert back to that 15 year-old girl.

Despite some of Jacob’s poor actions, he ended up having a pretty good life and became one of the most prominent people in the Bible. The birthright and blessing that he took from his brother still manifested in Jacob’s life because a covenant was made when he stole them, and God don't break his promises. I’m sure he thought he escaped the ugly history he encountered and participated in when he was younger. I’m sure he felt like there was no reason to process those feelings he harbored when his father favored Esau. He had a successful life and the idea of feeling unworthy, angry, and jealous because of his father no longer mattered.

God continued to bless him and fulfilled all of the promises that was spoken over him. The covenant continued when Jacob had 12 sons, and one of them was named Joseph. In Genesis it says, “Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other sons,”

It feels like deja vu, doesn't it? The very thing that Issac did to Jacob, which he resented; Jacob did to his sons. Whenever we don't properly examine and heal from the offense that a parent caused us will show up in our lives and/or our children’s lives. I’m sure that during the years when Issac kept showing Esau more favor, Jacob told himself over and over that he would never do this to his son.

Well, that’s how I felt when my dad didn't talk to me for those few days. I felt like I would never ignore someone just because I’m upset with them. But then, a few weeks ago one of my siblings was really annoying me. She then asked me a question and I didn't want to say anything that sounded harsh, but wasn't able to process through my emotions quick enough so I didn't respond. She asked me again, and I purposely ignored her again. I know that is not my child, but the relationships around us are great practice for marriage and parenthood (don’t think you can treat your friends and family one way and treat your future husband and children completely different. Eventually those same relationship habits will be directed towards your husband and children). If God didn't reveal that to me, I would have continued to practice that and then when I have a child, find myself having a moment when I ignore them the same way my dad ignored me in that moment.

When I sat there with God in total disbelief, you know what else he showed me? He showed me that my heart wasn't ill towards my sister when I ignored her, but I was having an internal battle in that moment. Thinking: Should I respond to her and risk saying something that I shouldn’t? How do I even really feel? Am I angry, annoyed, or just hurt? Maybe I should just shake it off and pretend nothing is wrong. How do I respond?

So for a quick moment I was in my father’s shoes, and in reality, I know that I am just like him. Therefore, he probably was having the same internal battle in that moment when we had that conversation when I was 15 years-old that I had just a few weeks ago. In that moment, I was able to understand my father. It doesn't mean either one of our actions were okay, but I can understand. And once I was able to understand my father, I was then able to relinquish the unachievable expectation I had on him to never do anything that will disappoint me. Once I was able to release that expectation, I was then able to truly make God my Heavenly father. I was able to put that trust in Him, knowing that he will never disappoint me because He loves me more than my biological father ever could love me. I was able to see that my dad was assigned to me as an earthly covering and an extension of God’s love of me. Yes, my father is the first man that I ever loved, but he’s not the first man that has ever loved me.

Esau after he discovers that Jacob had his birthright and blessing. lol

Article Assessment

Faith: Read the scripture below from (I John 3:1 NLT)

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!

Fashion: Put on your fiercest pair of shoes (stilettos, Jordan’s, flats etc. are all great choices) to signify that you are taking a stand to live for God despite your shortcomings because He loves you just the way you are.

Post the picture of your shoes at #churchgirlz#Iamenough

Fabulous: Does God Love me even though I sin?

(Romans 5:8) But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

AHA Moment: We are held in bondage to what we don’t take the time to look at and deal with.